NURULHANISA BINTI MOHD IKHSAN

I value genuinity. 

I tend to have a negative perception towards people who are over competitive. It feels like they love competition because they want to show that they are capable of doing something, even if it is not for others, it is for themselves, and to prove that they can achieve something. I cannot comprehend how it is necessary for you to prove yourself, even to yourself, and that is where they gained their satisfaction from, enjoying the process by the mindset of “you can achieve something” being the motivation. They tried to solve something as fast as they could whether it is in programming, maths, science and I could never understand why, and it was during regular classes not a contest. But sometimes, I can't help to wonder if I am no different from them in any way, although I would hate myself if I do think like them. 

A best friend of mine whom I met during high school, she was an ex-permata pintar, a gifted person, probably the smartest person I have ever met. She was not a prodigy with super memory, super fast in calculation (but she figured out the logics behind arithmetic progression formula during high school allowing her to be able to solve the questions without using the Gauss formula - because she couldn’t remember them) and what not but she was extremely sharp in moral values and ethical sense including those things revolving around god attributes and its creed (according to Islam). For me it was the highest value of human beings, being able to have that kind of sense. Other prodigies that I found typically have a super mind in solving problems, memorising, achieving something that average people could not but they were not as sharp or mature in the comprehension of moral values and ethics.

She loves psychology, theology, maths theory, and has some sort of insatiable desire to know how the human thinks, how the world works, how the elements are connected to each other. Everytime I listened to her, it was just so clear to me that it wasn't to prove herself or anything, it was just a genuine appreciation towards them that I couldn't help feeling jealousy and admiring her at the same time. She doesn't express her thoughts in public, none of her vibes and nuances tell me that she is better than anyone but people somehow always tend to get the idea that she was just flaunting herself, well maybe they are just being salty. That's how I got the idea that you should do something because of the purity of it, because you love it and you are happy with it and that is how you could put all of your heart into something. I want to live that way. I do not want the purity of it being tarnished by the desire to recognise myself or to be recognised by others but I am not a saint, I do care about them sometimes. That’s why I want to grow older, to overcome them and to know more about myself.

I value truthfulness.

I was a debater in high school, I was not a good debater or at least during impromptu but there is something that I found bothering me in most of the debate competitions. I found that most of the debaters are apologists. They are not defending something because that is the truth, instead, they defend something because winning the argument is the priority and that is debate, according to them. That is one of the reasons I became sick of debating. Apologists are those who would think on how to counter arguments when their opinion was opposed despite the truth. Their goal is to win and I don't find any value in that.

I value acceptance.

To be honest, I am not that honest. There were so many times I bluffed my teachers about why I did not bring my book, why I wore a different uniform to school, about why I didn't go to the reunion, why I’m late etc. I just find it convenient to lie (harmless white lies – at least that’s what I thought), although sometimes, it ends up with me being backfired. But I would not lie if it involves something that I appreciate which is acceptance about my own ignorance –  humility also is being truthful to yourself. From other people's point of view, a prodigy’s view means a benchmark of intelligence. Many times, I found my friends would just agree and nods towards my best friend indicating that they understood her point and they too, know something. It could be because they do not want to show their lack of knowledge or they just do not want to deal with it or both. Either way, I do think they need to be more inquisitive if they lack knowledge, and empathic, by listening and understanding especially when someone is sincerely sharing something meaningful to them. More often than not, again, I realised it was because of the competitiveness that they had created on their own towards someone they deemed more superior to them. Everyone should accept their own capacity and weaknesses. 

I value fairness.

Both my parents are Indonesian and I was born in Malaysia. I have experienced a lot of discrimination and condescending gestures during primary school not just from my friends, but from teachers. All praises for God, I was one of the top students or else I do think things would get worse back then. I was not allowed to get free textbooks although I have Malaysian citizenship. Then, the school principal got scolded by the Johor Ministry of Education and my class teacher was scolded by the school principal. Turns out, it was a friend of my father from the Johor Minister of Education who took action after my father asked him if it was true that I could not get free textbooks despite having Malaysian citizenship and my father did not know the principal was getting scolded for that. Personally, I understand if it was land ownership rights. I don’t mind at all, but education rights, it was the right for every human to begin with. Fortunately, my sisters were enrolled into a good local school where the environment was not as harsh towards them. Things get better even if they are not perfect. Experiencing all that, I learnt the importance for you to respect humans as human beings, the fairness in creations of God. Races, wealth, beauty, intelligence that humans are born with are chosen by God, I do not see the point for people to see themselves above others. Did humans overlook that it was arrogance? No one who has an atom's weight of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise. Ironically, they were all muslims. I don’t want to be like them. 

I value self-respect.

Not once that I heard about suicidal attempts near me. I had a doctor told me that there was one time where a student attempted suicide because she had her CGPA dropped from 4.0 to 3.96 and that doctor asked us what would we do if that student were our roommate. Most of the students answered that they would persuade her to keep calm as she still got plenty of chances to do better for the next semester. The doctor also told us to not be judgmental when encountering them because we did not know what they had been through and most of the reasons are the expectations imposed on them. I couldn’t help but to feel infuriated. 

With that 4.0 CGPA brain capability, she should have the capacity to be able to realise whatever was inflicted on her by others was wrong. She should be able to evaluate whether others' actions were rational or not and she should be smart enough to recognise that others' opinions and her own expectations of herself are useless, and that she was not in control of her results and what others would think of her. If she was raised with unnecessary burden of high expectations from her parents that leads her to suicidal, then it is her parents who are screwed, if it was the society pressure, then the society was screwed. I could sympathise with her but the borderline was at, putting whatever she deemed worthy over her life. If she could just stand up for herself, knowing that the others are the one to be blamed instead of her life, she could survive no matter what. It is unfathomable how the expectations of others could be crucial enough for you to take your own life with that minimal drop of result. I couldn’t imagine if Newton were to kill himself when his idea was rejected because he was intelligent enough to know others opinions don't matter and he still didn’t give up on his research.

Attempting a suicide means you are complying with the society or your parents rules and absurd expectations, and also agreeing that they are right to inflict such damage on you. You lose your self-respect at that. God is Most Merciful, Most Forgiving. Yet, if the life bestowed were not as worthy in the eyes of God, and if taking one’s own life was not as significant, there will be no threats of hell for those who commit suicide. No matter what religion you are, you are mortal in this world but immortal in the next world. Whatever you did here, there is accountability. There is no turning back.